Are you allowed to say “I don’t know”?
“The most elementary statement in science, the beginning of wisdom, is ‘I do not know’.”
– Data, Star Trek: TNG.
Not allowed to say “I don’t know”
Believe it or not, we are not allowed to say “I don’t know” at work. Maybe not allowed, but it is frowned on. “You are a project manager. You are supposed to know everything about the project.”
When leadership asks a question, I am supposed to know the answer, despite the fact that they asked a deeper technical question and my expert, the Lead Developer, is not on the call or in the meeting.
Despite the fact that Forbes says “There is Power in saying ‘I don’t know'”, there are many links on Google pointing to advice on “How to Stop Saying ‘I Don’t Know’ in 3 Steps”, or “14 Better Ways to Say ‘I Don’t Know’ at Work”.
At work, when I am faced with a tough question that I can’t answer, I use a classic consultant diversion: “That’s a good question. Let me take that back to the team for verification”, or something similar.
But what happens when your child asks you a question that you don’t know? Do you invent an answer to save face, maybe even whimsically? That may rob them of a life lesson and an opportunity to deepen your relationship. Yes, really.
Are you allowed to be wrong?
Have your kids seen you perplexed, vulnerable? Not weak…just not perfect?
Have they seen you struggling with that bolt that just won’t come loose? Or did you send them in the house when you were about to curse it out?
It’s important for kids to see you hit a roadblock, to not know what to do, but to see you keep working through it. This is a step to understanding adversity, that things don’t always work out the way you planned, especially not the first time.
When my daughters were little I sent them in the house when I was working on the car or changing a tire. “Get back now. Why don’t you go in the house?”
The result was that when my teenage daughter got her first flat tire, it was, in her mind, a major catastrophe. She was nearly having a panic attack on the phone. I said “Don’t worry, this is normal. Just work the problem. This is what to do.” But that didn’t help. Why? Because she didn’t see me changing a tire, while telling her that “this is a normal part of having a car.”
Failure IS an option
You WILL fail. Sometimes again and again. Entrepreneurs know this. Athletes know this. Why don’t we know this?
The ultimate irony is that we watch TV and movies of intense drama. But when it comes to our lives, we want it to be mostly worry-free. That ends up with a life that is as boring as watching someone watch TV. Or watching a family at a restaurant all looking at their phones. That is not what you really want.
The “Hero’s Journey” is baked into our culture. You recognize it, and expect it, even though some newer media tries to remove it as old fashioned (or whatever other title they give it). Most of us see ourselves as the hero of our story, although some to the point of narcissism. The hero has challenges, and overcomes those challenges. Sometimes the hero suffers or even gives the ultimate sacrifice.
Your kids need to see the Hero’s Journey play out in you as you struggle through those challenges, to fail, to pick yourself back up, and to keep trying. Then, with a dose of humility, help them to live through their Hero’s Journey.
Permission to be Wrong
Have you given yourself permission to be wrong? This seems like an unnecessary step, like “why would I need to give myself permission?”
Back in Thriving the Future Podcast – Ep. 5 – Exercises for Living an Intentional Life, Perpend talked about one of the steps of self inventory – giving yourself permission:
Give yourself permission to do what needs to be done.
Why do you need permission? You may be surprised. It opens the mind to other options. Helps you think outside the box.
I don’t know. Let’s figure it out together.
One of the most powerful things that you can say to a kid is “I don’t know. But let’s figure it out together.”
Ask them what they think. Then they will know it is OK to have their own opinions, to not share your opinions.
Ask them “what would you do?” Don’t criticize their response, or lack thereof, but ask clarifying questions to help them reach a solution – a solution that may even be different than yours.
Where will this go? How will it turn out? I don’t know. But let’s figure it out together.
