Communication is a Negotiation
Talking about the Weather is the Icebreaker
When someone has a mundane conversation, like the weather, do you tune them out? If you listen then they will often get to the real story and go deeper.
“Wow, the weather was hot Weds.”
“Yeah, and it’s going to be hotter this weekend.”
At this point, most younger people are bored, thinking, “Why are you talking about this?!” and want to dismiss the conversation and move on. Or just walk away.
Some people go even farther and insist that we should Stop Talking About the Weather to Everyone(!). You should “stop the mundane, awkward weather dialogue because we (you) feel some sort of obligation to have a conversation with every single person we (you) have a few seconds with.” But they are wrong.
Talking about the weather was the icebreaker. It is part of the ritual, the tradition. You are now standing at the entry in the doorway of the communication. An invitation to something deeper.
Listen a little longer.
“I took the kids down to the creek. We found a washed out bank at the creek and we found some old arrowheads. I looked up online this arrowhead we found and it is a rare Munkers Creek knife!”
Communication is like a Tea Ceremony
Stick with those boring conversations. Like a tea ceremony or ancient ceremonies when meeting a traveler, they talked about family and connections, to form a common bond – “Oh, I know him!” (your relative). When it came to trading and exchange it started with the lesser topics or trade items to test the relationship, then as trust was built they moved on to the better items.
For centuries this was a map that you explored on how to connect with the rest of the world.
You connected by family lineage. Our surnames (last names) often meant “son of…” (Harrison, Johnson, De Luca – son of Luca), or your trade or skill (Tanner, Miller, Baker), or where you were from (Del Monte – from the mountain, Del Marinis, from the ocean). It gave enough background to find common ground and also meant what you brought to the table.
Welcome with an Outstretched Hand
Why do we wave “hello” or “goodbye” with an open hand? Why do we reach out with an empty hand to shake hands? It was originally to show a stranger that you had goodwill, that you didn’t have a weapon, and you were reaching out to them.
Thank You – De Nada
I recently went on vacation to Colorado with my 11 year old grandson. It puzzled me that as we did something, or I bought him something that he wasn’t saying “Thank you.” I asked him about it and he said, “I thought that I would save a big ‘Thank you’ for the end of the trip.”
(This shows that “common sense” is not common – it needs to be taught.)
Although “Thank you” and “You’re welcome” are polite manners, they come from a form of communication, an exchange that is often forgotten.
If I give you something, and you say “Thank you”, there is inherently (maybe subconsciously) an imbalance in the negotiation. You may feel like you owe me. (I have a boomer friend who has difficulty with this, and feels indebted to me if I give him something).
I told my grandson about the meaning behind “Thank you” and “You’re Welcome”, and especially the Spanish form – “De Nada”.
“De nada” means – “You owe me nothing. We’re square”.
In the case of my grandson, I taught him that he should say “Thank you” for each event or occurrence rather than waiting until the end of the trip, which could be days away. Showing gratitude for each thing is polite, good form, and is spiritually rewarding as well. This builds culture.
Better ways to say “You’re Welcome/De Nada”
This video on Some better ways to say “De Nada” has even better ways to say “You’re welcome” in Spanish than “de nada”:
- No es nada – It’s nothing, or it’s not a big deal
- Esta bien – it’s all good.
- No hay problema – It’s no problem
See the pattern here? It completes the exchange.
Shields Up
People aren’t having these real conversations, or listening to the other person when having conversations. They retreat into their phone and their own little world. Don’t be like that, resist retreating.
Let Time Move Slower
Do you get impatient and think “Come on, get to the point.”? You may be missing out.
Are you hanging in there long enough to get to that deeper level of communication?
As with the weather icebreaker, start with the mundane, boring conversation. Be patient. Let the stories develop. As they are told, they will go deeper.
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